I really need to learn people skills too, but hey let’s start small… er. Last night I was watching the latest episode of ‘The Good Doctor’ while falling asleep. I really like that show. However, I found myself uncomfortable with it, and by the end I was toast. I could not stop crying. There was this guy in it, who in a lot of ways reminded me of my father. He was tired of living and he was wanting to give in. Then he would fight for a bit and give in. Ultimately, he made his peace and passed away as he wished.
The fact that I couldn’t stop crying – which was making my dogs all sorts of upset – helped me to realize a few things.
- I never to this day have really dealt with dad passing
- There is a lot more going on, than just not dealing with dads passing
- I have sunk lower into depression than I thought and my way of coping – isn’t working as well as I thought.
I have been off my medication for a couple years. It was getting too expensive to see a shrink every week, and then have a separate dr I had to pay every other month for medicine check-ins/refills, and the medicine. So, I stopped. Cold Turkey. Because, hey what could go wrong? For the last two years, I made a decision that I was going to make some changes. That I was going to control my depression, not it control me. I thought I was accomplishing it. I was working hard to keep a clean house, be a more patient mom, a more supportive wife, a softer employee. Some of these I was more successful at than others. I knew I still had a long way to go.
Fast forward to February. The DH has aggravated his work injury and has been removed from work. In March we found out he would need surgery that would lay him up for about 6 months after the surgery. Until then he was on a move only when necessary, pretty much chair bound for most of his time.
Monkeywrench. Giant colossal, King Kong-sized monkeywrench. Fuck.
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I had to learn how to adapt to include his chores to do, as well as try to keep my what I had started. Needless to say, my house took some smaller steps back but not the slide I feared. I was in charge of everything.
His scheduled surgery was June and then they had to reschedule it to July. July comes, we go for the surgery – and 10 minutes before he is set to go in the Dr. canceled it over a pimple on his thigh. His team a few days earlier said it would be fine, the nurses thought it was ok but the Dr. said no. So we had to pack up and go home – the surgery was rescheduled for August. 6 months after he goes out of work, he finally has his surgery.
He is doing much better however, we have had some struggles along the way with getting things schedules, working with comp and the entire thing has really been a nightmare. We have managed to work through most of them, but it will be just before Christmas before we find out if he can go back anytime soon. He would like to go back to the first of the year. I guess we shall see.
However, with all trials, this has created other consequences. I realized how alone I felt. I didn’t feel like he and I were a team. There was me and then there was him and the kid. I couldn’t cite any particular things that drew those lines – but not being able to rely on him definitely caused my vision to be blurred. Every time we disagreed on something instead of it being a talk, it was him against me. What could he know he wasn’t living my life.
I justified my rightness with his depression. He has checked out so it doesn’t matter what he wants. I am the one doing all the work – so I get all the say. Not a healthy stance by any stretch of the imagination.
So, last night with tears streaming down my face, I went to talk to the one person who I needed most. We had a very frank discussion about where we were and how we were going to fix it. What did we both need from each other to get back on track?
Now hopefully we are on a track that will end up where we want to be again. This isn’t a simple fix or an easy one. It will take time, commitment, communication, and grace.
I know I can do this.
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