So, ya’ll may be aware that I have been really struggling lately. My depression has been coming on extra strong recently and warping life around me. I described it as such to a friend last night who was checking in on me.
Depression is a giant mind fuck. Learning to recognize that just because you believe something or feel something doesn’t make it true. Depression takes little things and blows it up, makes it so much harder to see a true reality of a situation. It is a horrid parasite that feeds on everything negative you feel.
I don’t know how else to describe it better. It is a parasite. I know logically that m feelings were magnifications of some irritations. Blown really to an almost crippling level.
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
– Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
I struggle daily with doing the basic life skills. Cleaning, making food, parenting – everything is affected. Over the last two years I have made huge strides in overcoming, but I still suffer at times. I am getting better though at recognizing when something is maybe not exactly as I feel it is.
Last week I had a melt down on my son. I felt so bad, it wasn’t his fault. He was just in the way of the final trigger – the straw that broke the camel’s back. I spent the whole ride dropping him off at school, a blubbering mess. My husband called on lunch and we chatted and I mentioned the bad day I was having. Thus he took us out to dinner Friday night. We had a brief chat where I explained about loosing it on the kid earlier that day and I was having a bad go of things.
Saturday my husband spent the day doing all my chores for me which mainly consisted as cleaning the house. Part of my problem was feeling like I was managing everything by myself. I meal planned, grocery shopped, managed bills, managed schedules, made lunches, made dinners, took the kid to all his activities, relayed messages to my husband from his mother – because she now texts me as he wont answer her, as well as working full time. My husband went to work. He has nothing other than laundry he has to do every week – and I had to ask him to do that.
Now, does this mean that my perception was true or correct? No. However it sure felt it. I couldn’t shake it no matter what and I tried. My husband usually takes the time I’m not home to do his stuff -so I don’t see it. Home repairs, etc which also fall under his jurisdiction.
My husband is pretty good at not taking things personally, a trait I lack. He was understanding about it and has committed to trying to reserve a couple items for me to ‘see’ so I don’t have a perception that he just works and plays video games.
I know I am a lot to live with. I am so lucky to have him.