I have been having a rough go of things lately. My depression is a bigger struggle lately than its been for a while. I’m not exactly sure why. However, this means I need to find my victories, even the small ones and celebrate them. I’ve had quite a few small victories lately and by small I mean things like I did a load of dishes in my sink instead of letting them sit.
This is what I got when I went to go see Beauty and the Beast a few days ago.
smarciz | NinjaMom
This. This is my symbol of victory. For people with anxiety and depression — this is the closest we may get to the Olympics it seems sometimes. I was very nervous about going. My mother in law picked up a ticket for me as I said I had wanted to see the movie. The first thing most people who live with people like me learn is.. we ‘want’, however generally we don’t. I would love to be able to take my son lots of places – or be like other women who can have a fun night out with their friends and life is good. This will never be me.
I was also worried as it was an outing without my husband or child. Both of these individuals generally keep me pretty grounded and I find it much easier to function with both of them around. It was an outing to a place I had never been, surrounded by people I didn’t know, with a group of people, I had never successful hung out with outside of their homes – alone. There were many reasons I was not looking forward to this.
My husband’s family tries to be supportive, but they don’t really understand – nor do I expect them to. They generally try to make sure I feel a part of things, even though they know that the likelihood I will show up or say yes is pretty much non existent.
My husband convinced me to go. I had a rough day at work, and was having an emotional time when I got home. I wanted nothing more than to just go lay down and cry. I couldn’t tell you why, I just couldn’t stop. This was definitely not how I wanted to go out at all. However, my husband thought it was what I needed. Some time out of the house doing something I wanted to do.
I spent the whole movie clutching my keys so hard, on the way home I had impressions of them on my hand. The good news is I knew most of the songs, so I sung along to them in my head to give me something else to focus on that wasn’t the feeling of hurling my lunch or crapping out the liquid which comes with the anxiety.
I sat on an end seat and was close to an exit so if need be I could beat a hasty exit. My mother in law thoughtfully brought a puke bag for me (however I always travel with one or two, and if I know I’m going to be in a situation where my anxiety will be on ‘lucacris speed’ I pack a few more.)
I’m glad I went. I’m glad my husband didn’t let me sit in the bedroom and cry like I wanted.
I was victorious.